I promised myself that I would work on ME this summer. Getting myself into a better frame of mind: physically, mentally, and spiritually.
Here is the update.
The mental part has been difficult. It's been really hard to think positively about myself when I don't like myself. So I've been trying to work on liking myself (not that I ever did like myself). When I was younger, I used to "fake" being happy since that is what everyone in my life seemed to expect of me. I realize that people can't be happy 24/7 but I can be happy some of the time. I've felt like a hypocrite since I'm always telling my students to like and love themselves and accept themselves for who they are or are becoming in this world. How can I tell my students to like themselves when I don't even like me for me? There are a lot of reasons why I've felt like I was never good enough. Some of it stems from child hood crap which I don't want to get into on this blog. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and realized that there are some people in my life that bring me down as a person. I'm working on removing this folks out of my life. I also work in two jobs that don't appreciate me (being a teacher speaks for itself and the other job is a long story). Regarding the teaching aspect, I'm working on trying to be positive in a very negative environment. If it means that I have to isolate myself and not be around the negative people, that is what I will have to do. The best feeling I have in the world is being in the classroom with my students and teaching them World History. The other job scenario: I can no longer be trusted (according to the owner) due to an incident and she believes what she wants of me no matter what I say to her. I can't work for someone that doesn't trust me. So, I will be doing some soul searching (and looking for another job) to better that situation. I've worked there for almost four years and all that retail experience is down the drain (I don't think I could even use the owner as a reference since I can't trust her to say anything nice about me). Nothing I do (or anyone else that works in the store) is good enough and it gets old after a while. I've also become very resentful that I have to work a second job after teaching for ten years. I'm sick of always working and never getting ahead. I adore the dogs. They are the best part of the job. But I've felt like I've been in an emotional abused relationship the past few years working there. I completely acknowledge that I'm not always the easiest person to be around at times but either is the owner (we are both VERY MUCH alike when it comes to be moody which is why we clash - I see that - she does not). So I'm going back to being "fake happy" to please her and that is not the way I want to live my life. The soul searching continues . . . . . . . . . .
The physical part has been a struggle. My shoulder still bothers but I'm putting off getting the surgery. I'm hoping that if I lose some weight, it might help the pain in my shoulder. I'm eating better now and exercising. I figure that if I look better and healthier, maybe I will like myself too. Food has always been an addiction of mine and I'm an emotional eater. Hence, the weight issues. Since I start coaching volleyball the end of August, I figured that I better get back into shape again. Gotta be a positive role model to the girls on the team! :-)
The spiritual part is also a struggle for me. I've been trying mediation to help relax me. Formal/organized religion doesn't seem to work (I was brought up Catholic and I don't believe in what the church stands for anymore). I feel like I need some type of spirituality in my life to grow as a person.
It's been a struggle but I'm working on it . . . . one day at a time. I don't expect miracles. But being truly happy and content with my life would be a wonderful way to start out the school year.
Thank you to all my supportive friends and Blog buddies - you all rock! :-)
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4 comments:
They say that exercising boosts self esteem so keep up the great work! You definately don't need negatives from your 2nd job so get out of there as soon as you can!
It does suck that you have to even have a 2nd job but I don't think anyone can run a household with only 1 income these days!
I know a lot of people raised Catholic have issues with some of today's decisions but that shouldn't keep you from practicing your faith entirely. You can still keep your faith in God and he will help you - all you gotta do is ask him!
Keep your chin up! Don't let life drag you down! Life is supposed to have 'ups' & 'downs' ... not just 'downs'.
And don't forget we love you very much! Email me! Anything you need - I'm there for you!
Thank you for opening up. It makes me sad to hear how unhappy you are. You can't change everything, or else it will not work. I think getting rid of the negatives in your life is the best place to start.
It's true what you said though, you can't truly be happy unless you are happy with yourself. We all have our days that we are not happy with ourselves and I am my worst credit but living like that every day of your life really drags you down and I want you to be happy :)
I know it seems like you are in a rut and there's no way out but there is...just have faith and believe. You are the one that needs to make the changes because the changes are not going to come to you.
Good things do happen to good people and it will happen once you build that confidence. Please know that I"m hear for you, and call me anytime! I'm here to help you if you need it.
I'm worried about you and I want you to be happy.
wow... its hard to hear, but good to know that you are getting that kind of stuff off your chest... i think that is one HUGE step in the right direction.
no one can make things right for you, you just have to do the things you feel are right and the rest will follow... eventually... all i can say is that i was in the same place you are now... it was a few years ago and lasted about 5 years... i tried meditation too, but found out that yoga was better... an actual class at the ymca... one that i had to follow an instructor and only think of that for an hour three times a week... if you could find time that might work for you. SUCH A BIG HELP! Very calming, relaxing, physical, centering all at one time.
its so easy to say "think positive" and all that... but its almost easier to think about the negatives that others have and thank goodness that we don't have their problems...
take care and call anytime... odds are i'm awake with one of those darn kids :-) REMEMBER I LOVE YOU AND YOU ARE A SPECIAL SPECIAL PERSON!!!
first - congratulations for getting some of this off your chest. sometimes it does help to release these feelings.
2nd - you are a beautiful person Lori. inside & out. so exercising & trying to eat better will in fact help you emotionally. so very proud of you for taking this step. this will help you feel better mentally, will then help you to like yourself. and why dont you like yourself??? you are beautiful, have a great personality, are a great teacher and friend. whats not to like?! :)
3rd - as far as being spiritial - you dont need to follow the Catholic religiion to the word L. Im telling you - find Joel Osteen on tv - on see if you can listen to his sermons on tv... get his book - even if its on audio. Listening to him as really helped me a lot. The movie The Secret - even helped Jeff believe it or not. JO says a lot of what The Secret says - give gratitude to God for all the positives in your life, always be thankful for the good & know you can over come the bad. It takes time changing the way you think - but you always have to believe that each day will have something good in it. sometimes we just have to open our eyes to see it.
On a final note - Life does have its downs there are no ?s about that. but we always have to remember the ups.. that is the only way to keep going. When one door closes, God opens up another door for us... sometimes when things seem bad, its because we are not where we are meant to be & God is trying to show you the way to go.
ok - one more final sermon hahahaa - thats a great idea to stay away from the negative people in your life. when you are down they only bring you down more. i quit my last job because it was a very negative environment & i could not strive there...all it did was make me feel like there was a black cloud over my head every day... so change your surroundings...remember the good in yourself & the good in your life & that will help lead you in a better direction.
i hope my babbling on helps you Lori. You are a wonderful person & it breaks my heart to hear you sound so down. hopefully opening up to all of us will help give you the strength to continue on a great path that will lead u to wonderful things. You deserve wonderful things!! Keep reminding yourself of that.. even if you have to leave a note on the mirror, door - wherever :)
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